This was actually the very first song I wrote on guitar. It previously appeared on my first tape, Watercolor Monster, and I performed it as part of my thesis show at Louisiana Scholars’ College back in 1991. I take a little bit of pride in having written this song before the Gulf War started!
I have had a few listeners misinterpret this song, so I want to clarify: The Best War is NOT a slam against any soldiers past, present or future. Soldiers don’t make the decision to go to war, they offer up their precious blood, time and well-being for the sake of their country. I have the greatest respect for anyone who makes that tremendous personal sacrifice. It is not the fault of any soldier when they end up in the middle of an unjust war, and I have never said otherwise.
No, this song is about the politics of war, about cheerleading the naked aggression, about manipulating the mob for more money and/or power. It’s about the philosophy held by a lot of military contractors and government officials that war is “good for business.”
I was inspired by a growing sense of hawkishness in this country during the later Reagan years and Bush I’s term. It has, unsurprisingly, become topical again. So I changed a few of the words around for this new recording, but the essence of the piece is unchanged. Unfortunately, so are we.
lyrics
A grimy crew are marching by
In the shopping malls and stores
They aren’t fully satisfied
They want another war to end all wars
There’s the war on drugs and homelessness
Like the war on poverty
They can talk about them ’til they’re blue in the face
But there’s not enough blood to see
Chorus:
Singin’ “Hey! Is everybody ready?
Ready on the cannon? Ready on the guillotine?
Ready on the tanks and torture chambers?
Ready for the best war you’ve ever seen?”
Well our enemies were so clear cut
Only twenty years ago
But the whole world’s turned around since then
And the men are feelin’ sluggish and slow
The bad guys then are the good guys now
They don’t know who they’re supposed to fight
But they know they wanna do a lot of killing soon
And they’d like to get started tonight
(Chorus)
Oh, maybe we can kill those radicals
Who’d burn our flag so true
Maybe we can kill rap music stars
Or put ‘em all in a big zoo
Maybe we can kill the vegetable lovers
And the homosexuals too
Or maybe we’ll just kill you
You know you never can tell what a person like you might do
Oh yeah
Their blood pressure rises
With every day without the first blow
The whole world’s already shaken up
You know a battle’s coming soon, you know
What’s the harm in a little war?
The fighting turns boys to men
And now that nuclear bombs have hit the peace tom-toms
We can have a front line again
And we’ll go in …
(Chorus)
Don’t move too fast or they’re gonna getcha
Cuz you know their trigger finger’s itchy
And they’re all just singin’
“Hey! Is everybody ready?
(Ready to defend your noble Uncle Sam?)
Ready on the cannon? Ready on the guillotine?
(Ready to kill the crummy scum who don’t give a damn?)
Ready on the tanks and torture chambers?
(Ready for another chance to win Vietnam?)
Ready for the best war you’ve ever
Ready for the best war they’ve ever
Ready for the best war there’s ever been?"
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